Ten Things No One Tells You About Divorce

“Till death do us part”. Woo, that’s a big commitment! I am a huge proponent of marriage and long-term relationships, but sometimes they just don’t work out.  This is a post written by divorce coach, Laura Campbell. She’s also the author of, ‘The Ultimate Divorce Organizer’. Of course, we’ve all heard the horror stories and witnessed divorce ‘gone wrong.’ I hope you will share this article with someone going through this or use it to prep yourself if you are contemplating divorce.

 

 1. Divorce can be a lonely road; and often needs to be.

 

When divorce strikes, whether initiated or not, we are often unprepared for just how big of a life transition it really is.

It is a time that not only includes the loss of a marriage, but often also includes the letting go of other relationships in our lives.

In the process of letting go and facing the creation of your new life, you will discover just how important it is to claim your destiny; learning to make decisions and take action on your own behalf.  It is in creating your new life as an independent and self sufficient single woman that you will enjoy tremendous personal growth.

 

 In the process of letting go and facing the creation of your new life, you will discover just how important it is to claim your destiny; learning to make decisions and take action on your own behalf.  It is in creating your new life as an independent and self sufficient single woman that you will enjoy tremendous personal growth.

 

2. Bad behavior speaks for itself (yours and his)

 

When getting divorced there can be a tremendous urge to point out the bad behavior of your Ex so that you can feel justified in your decisions and actions. Or, perhaps you want to make sure that he or she “gets what he/she deserves”.  However, contrary to how you might feel, bad behavior speaks for itself over the course of time.

 

The risk of succumbing to the temptation and going out of your way to show people just how horrible he/she really is, is that your behavior looks just as bad; and it too will speak for itself. When you feel the urge to spread the word about his/her bad behavior whether on social media, gossip or outright accusation, instead allow the universe to take of it for you.

 

3. Put Your Oxygen Mask on First:

 

Your children will only be as good as you are. As parents we all worry about how are children will react and respond to divorce, and most of us commit to doing whatever it takes to help them navigate this transition in their lives. The truth is that they will be only as okay as you are.

 

If you move through and forward after your divorce with a focus on being as happy, healthy and whole as you can be, they will follow in your shoes. If you allow the divorce to take control of your health, emotions and well-being, they will take your lead and absorb your challenges. If you truly want to do what is their best interest, make the commitment to yourself that you will do whatever is necessary to create a new, empowered and fulfilled new life for yourself.

 

4. Divorce is never fair; and neither is life.

 

Life isn’t fair. And while the reality of your situation may be that you “deserve” to have what you want and need as you navigate the legal and financial process of the divorce, it’s entirely probable that the outcome will not be or feel fair to you.

 

The risk of trying to make the outcome of the divorce feel “fair” may lead you to a legal battle that is more costly than you predict without any guarantee that it will be or feel fair in the end.

 

5. There are always solutions; even when you can’t see them.

 

There will be many moments along that way that you will face roadblocks or challenges that feel insurmountable; and your resulting overwhelm and anxiety may cause you to be unable to access the problem solving part of your thought process.

 

However, there are always solutions, even when you can’t see them. It is critical to surround yourself with a team of experts and resources that can support you in evaluating potential solutions so that you don’t become stuck where you are and unable to move forward.

 

6. It’s All About YOU:

 

You are now responsible for your own emotional, financial and physical well-being. Supporting and creating two new lives after divorce on the same resources as prior to the divorce often leads to inequity.

 

You are now fully responsible for creating a new and self-sufficient life. Your emotional, financial, and parental health is now your responsibility; it is no longer his/her responsibility to do anything but honor the agreement that is finalized.

 

It is critical to not only know, but to identify the abundant resources available to support you in creating all that you desire and help you to make important planning decisions for the future that awaits you.

 

7. There is no way to predict what will happen in the future; how things are today is not always how they will be.

 

Some divorces begin amicably. Some begin contentiously. Whatever your unique situation, you can’t always predict what will happen in the future.

 

Each of you will be creating new lives, in which new friends, relationships and experiences will influence what happens in the future.

 

If the relationship with your Ex is collaborative and supportive, it is important to commit to working to keep it that way. If the relationship is tense and full of conflict, there are many ways to work to improve it over time. How things are today is not necessarily how they will always be.

 

8. You can rely on experiencing Divorce Sucker Punches.

 

They come out of nowhere. And we are never prepared for them. I call them sucker punches. Divorce sucker punches; or moments that unexpectedly take our breath away. They are waves of sadness, loss, loneliness and grief that are triggered by something completely unexpected.

 

These moments are triggered when you experience something that is “not what or how you thought it would be”; and anyone that experiences divorce will also experience moments of emotion that come out of nowhere. The good news is that knowing they will occur will allow you to prepare for them, they are not only normal but an reliable part of moving forward in your new life.

 

9. Your divorce will teach you everything you need to know to create the love you imagine…and deserve.

 

What happened in your marriage and relationship will teach you everything you need to know to create the love you desire as you design your next chapter. However, as strong as the urge may be to want to begin a new relationship soon after divorce, it is more important to fully understand and learn from what took place in your marriage and it’s demise.

 

No marriage ended overnight or from infidelity alone. It is more likely that there were many factors that took place over the course of time that led up to the eventual end of it. And while it may feel painful and uncomfortable, if you take as much time as is necessary to learn all that you can from both your marriage and divorce, you will gain clarity around what the love you imagine will look and feel like; which will then allow you to attract and create it

 

10. If you choose it, your divorce will be the catalyst for creating the life you desire.

 

Divorce doesn’t end when the divorce papers are signed. In fact, it is a transition that is never fully over. However, there is a time as you move forward in your post-divorce life that you will need to let go of the story of your divorce and instead, create the new story of the life you truly desire.

 

Letting go of your divorce story can be frightening, as it represents a true end of an important chapter in your life.

 

There are many who choose to hold on to their divorce and being a victim of it, causing them to remain stuck where they are and unable to move forward.

 

If you choose it, your divorce will be the catalyst for creating your new life, and will require that you let go of its story so that you can write your next chapter.

 

Laura Campbell’s writing can be found on DailyWorth and The Huffington Post, and she is the author of “The Ultimate Divorce Organizer: The Complete Interactive Guide to Achieving the Best Legal, Financial and Emotional Divorce.

 

 

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